Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
