I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
