Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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