Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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