btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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