My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
