I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
