i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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