Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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