ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
babies were throwing up all over the place
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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