if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
He better not be in your backpack
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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