She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I AM VODKA MAN
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
