Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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