Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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