i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Just invented taco cereal.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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