.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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