I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
My nipple is on Facebook.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
