I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
