He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
