Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
