I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
