Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
