my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
