Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
