If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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