think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
