i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
