You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Randomize
