Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
