My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
