You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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