im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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