The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
