i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
