The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
