before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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