When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
