We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
