what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
