Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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