I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
