She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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