he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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