He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
