dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
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