Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
oh god the rape fog is back!
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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