totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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