I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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