you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
If its not for food we ain't going out.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
