i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
