If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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